We spend a lot of time thinking about happiness. We prepare, we scheme, we sacrifice so that we can be happy. In America, in 2014, we expect happiness; we can taste it, it is our due.
But life also contains disappointments. I wonder if we should also, in our schools and with our families and our friends, give a bit more consideration to understanding–even appreciating–disappointments so that we can be better prepared to respond, to adjust, to learn.
Disappointment gets a bad rap. Consider your own life, your own experiences, the events you thought were good and the events you thought were bad. Which ones would you choose not to experience again? Which ones shaped your life, influenced you, inspired you, drove you, made you?
Research suggests that the most accomplished among us experience numerous failures before arriving at success–numerous meaning even having failed they tried again, failed again, tried again, failed again, repeated over and over. Success often feels more like a marathon than a sprint. Imagine how often we would get it wrong if we measured success after 100 meters or even after the first couple of laps around the track.
What helps when disappointment happens? Perspective. Some years ago, colleagues and I were traveling in the Congo. One of the guys, a London banker, had lost his luggage and had to wear the same clothes every day. Eventually, a friend got tired of listening to the non-stop complaining and asked, "was losing your bag a major catastrophe or a minor inconvenience?" We didn't hear another complaint the rest of the trip. I've never forgotten that (just ask my kids).
Along with perspective, there is knowing that you have done your best. When I was a child, one of the older members of the Sandy Spring Monthly Meeting made quite an impression on me. His name was Edward Iddings. He was a retired farmer, with white hair and a ruddy complexion. His hands were huge, and when he shook yours it disappeared inside his. He sat on the facing bench, which was to be expected for such a weighty friend, and he was moved to speak at almost every Meeting. He spoke with brevity, and he focused on a particular theme. His messages had to do with always trying your best, never giving up. It has been 50 years, and looking back I wonder about Edward and what might have moved him to speak that message.
When I think about preparing for disappointment, I believe that trying our hardest is as close as we can come to wrapping ourselves in Teflon coating: disappointment can happen but it does not stick and does not discourage us from trying again.
Disappointment and success are not opposites; disappointments are necessary steppingstones on the way to success. When disappointment creeps into our lives despite our best efforts, opportunities follow. Ask, "is this a major catastrophe or a minor inconvenience?" And then sit up straight and pay attention: Way is about to Open.